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19.5.02

So, there's the sadness. I can't remember the last time I cried about something that didn't require going to the hospital. But I'm not going to talk about that.

What I am going to talk about is the sort of adrift feeling. During the year, I had 10 keys on my keyring (room key, 2 Maroon-News keys, 3 to Alumni/Longyear Museum, Geography lab and lounge, and 2 to the Chapel). Today I turned in the last one. Each key I handed back made me feel naked. Not "exposed and vulnerable" naked, the way I would if I had no pants on. More the "unprepared" naked, like I do when I forget my wallet or pocketknife. Each key I gave back meant I was losing access to something, a resource I had cultivated. At Colgate I knew my way around, knew where to go and how to act when I needed to do certain things. But in DC, and then at Clark, I won't. I'll start out uncertain, not sure what the processes are for doing things or where I can go. I won't stride confidently into the lab and sit down at one of the computers that have PhotoShop. I'll be hanging around, trying to look nonchalant, while I check out the situation and try to plan my next move in such a way as to minimize embarassment if I fail.

At least I have a map of DC. A nifty pop-up map. That's a start.

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